I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
