I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
