it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
