I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
