i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
