ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
