Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
