sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
