Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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