Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
