I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
