We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
