You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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