i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
