she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
