life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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