I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
