i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
