Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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