And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
