My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
