they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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