the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
