don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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