dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
should my penis look like a turkey
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
