Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
