we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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