Pappa wants mamma naked
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize