i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
foreskin is a definite game changer
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
