She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
