In the future we'll all be gay
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
