Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize