I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
