How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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