First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
