whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
