We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
