I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
