Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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