just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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