he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
