margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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