Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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