I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Randomize
