I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
