i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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