We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
