the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
