dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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