He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
