I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
