If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
