i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
