Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
