i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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