I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
