What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Mom said you looked used
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Randomize
