they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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