So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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