after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
