if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
