hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
